Thoughts,,,,,, Stay at home mom!

Im a stay at home mom and have been for 1 year 3 months. This is something I always wanted. I always wanted to be home raising my kids, cleaning my house and being there at the door when my husband walked through the door just like my mom was for years. But how I became one isnt like any other "normal" stay at home mommy. Chad didnt get a job that allowed me to stay home, I remember my last day of work, i remember seeing Chad walk through the door with the kids. I remember walking our of the office in a daze trying to figure out what just happend. But what happend was that I would not be coming back to work, what would happen is the next day we would be pulled into a small room and told your daughter has cancer. That was the moment I became a stay at home mom and a caregiver. a year later I think to myself how the hell did i ever go to work 8 hours a day come home and clean,cook, and take care of everything?? no clue because now that im a stay at home mom i cant manage to do all the things i could before. Im exhausted everyday. I feel like i have no energy what so ever. All i want to do is lay on the couch and not get my day started till maybe 12 haha being a stay at home mom is the hardest job i have ever had!!!

Scares

When your a mom of a child who has cancer your health and well being gets put on the back burner. All your energy and worries goes to your child. I no when im sick the rules of staying away from her but if im not running a temperature i dont worry about the rest of me. Ive dealt with anxiety and depression for a long time and i usually just deal with it. I take my medicine and go on with my day. Then when bedtime comes and i go to rest im reminded of how ive been feeling all day and usually its s feeling of emptiness. I started about a month ago of stomach pain and feeling sick throughout the day. I finally had time to go see the doctor. Im telling her my symptoms and she does a exam and then says something is definitely going on so let get some bloodwork done. Well this was a Friday and i had to go 2 days before finding out the results. I had every possible diagnosis going through my head and cancer was definitely one that was flashing in front on my face. I cried all day Saturday, thinking i cant leave my family they need me but then i realized no i need them. Haylee has opened my eyes to life and Hunter has given me strength to keep going and to remember to laugh. Chad has given me love and has shown me how to love and i couldn't imagine my life without those 3. I lay on the couch thinking if i hear my doctor say i need to refer you to a oncologist i will break but i need to stay strong and lean on those who love me. Because i have taken care and have loved them that it would be my time to be taken care of and to see the love from them they would be there and that whatever my body is doing to me i will too fight bc im not going to leave this life before ive experienced all the things i want too and that definitely includes being a mother and watching my children grow up and watching them get married and start families or before i celebrate my 50th with the love of my life. So today i call for the results to hear everything came back normal. So thank you to my amazing angel who even after death is still watching over me my mommy! Also thank you to god who allows me to be here and who will continue to let me be here. 👏💜 so good news im okay for now.

DEX!!

Yesterday i watched Moms night out, wow eye opener. I feel just like that mom at times. I always feel like Im not good enough for me or my family. Im sure every mom feels this way at times, i mean im always cleaning, breaking up fights,cooking something at all times, breaking up more fights, cleaning more and yet in my eyes nothing looks clean or good enough to pass the mother in law test haha. Then on top of all the mommy/wife things i have to be a nurse and make sure Haylee is getting the medicines she needs on the right day and the dose is always changing so remembering even if i do wright it down i have to double check most of the time. Her chemo dose is 2.75ml try finding that on a syringe, i have to guess 90% of the time. Why cant they just make it easier on me and make it 3ml lol

I miss sleeping in, I am a person who LOVES sleep. I guess when you have kids you just kiss sleep goodbye. Every morning I hear this first thing and not in a soft voice ARE YOU GETTING UP? I NEED BREAKFAST. Can we say brat. Haylee is always hungry but never for what i make, which is fine but not cheap. Normal parents would say oh its a growth spurt but cancer mommies say no its DEX!! This awful steroid they take for a week once a month that turns them into a monster that does nothing but eat eat eat! She wants "Mexican"  cheese which is that cheese with the orange top, chicken patties, white cheese dip and so much more. Then you have poor Hunter who never wants to eat unless its on the run as in dinners on the table and his idea of eating is taking a bite running to play then coming back 2 minutes later then runs away, I try to explain to him that if he would just sit down to eat that would be faster than all the up and down he does but hes 2 and is answer is no or why mommy lol so we throw more food away then we ever eat which drives me crazy because its so wasteful and im not made of money like they think i am. Dont even get me started on the money thing lol Haylee is so spoiled, i mean crazy spoiled that shes asking for a bigger room. haha I'll save that struggle for another day........

Chapter Book?

Im the kind of person who gets stressed easily and it definitely shows. Unfortunately i suffer from canker sores and have for years, there will be times that i will have 4 or 5 within 2 weeks or i can go months without one. Well these past 2 weeks my stress level has reached the limit and ive had 4 canker sores and painful ones as of right now im officially down to 1 but in the worse place my bottom lip so eating has been a chore and drinking makes my eyes water and yes even talking hurts. I buy Haylee these small chapter books and we usually read a chapter a day and the last few nights i have really tried but 2 pages in my mouth is throbbing and end up stopping which Haylee gets upset and i feel bad but she eventually understands and nos its not forever. Well tonight i had mentioned to Haylee to ask Chad to read and the reaction from him broke my heart, he threw his hands up in the air and says not right now and well Haylee has been sleepy all day and she was ready for bed. I understand im the mom but why is it so hard to read a 5 page chapter to your daughter? He eventually did it but not because he wanted too but because he had too. I wish he could see how he acts. Like i said i wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom and here i am with a 5 and 3 year old and i no im not perfect and i lose my temper but im caring and loving to them and they know that if they want something im here. My husband is amazing husband, he provides for his family but he needs to provide more than just money he needs to provide affection...... The many things i hope to understand and work on.

Another Blog

Ive been trying to blog for years, you would think I would have more than enough to blog about....my life is no where near normal tho I wish it was at times. I had another blog but felt it didnt fit. My life isnt just about my daughter having cancer, its about me being a mommy. I was a mommy before cancer decided to touch down in our house. Ive been a mommy for almost 5 years or well from the moment I conceived depending on who you talk too. Feb. 13th time unsure I gave birth to a blue eyed little girl. I wanted nothing but to be a mommy, ever since I could remember that is all I wanted to be. Tho if you ask my parents they would say i wanted to be a mom who married a rich man who had maids lol. My mom was a wonderful mom so i think having her made me want to be amazing mom. I can still remember as a little girl running to her for everything, tho for a long time it was just my mom and I. Long story short like half of america my parents divorced when I was young and well as messed up as this is my mom took me and sent my two older brothers to live with my father, no words. But not that I would say it was a replacement but my mom married amazing man while i was still young and he became my dad. So this may sound sad but I can count on 1 hand how many times ive seen my brothers and dad in the 28 years ive been alive, yeah sad I know. But this was never by choice......Guess my parents thought this was the best thing for a family of 4 haha joke on them not so much. Wow just sitting here writing this I just realized my mom was 28 when they divorced and Im 28. I will not be going down that road regardless how hard the road gets between Chad and I and let me tell you im very surprised we haven't. I'll write about that a different day. Im basically just writing to put something on the page right now. So hopefully I keep up with this haha.....We shall see!