Hair loss answer??......Possible!

Low immune system + chemo = Hair loss? 

Laying in bed I realized that the week before Haylees numbers crashed she received one of her chemos called vincristine and yes this chemo causes hair loss but shes been getting this chemo monthly for months but a very low dose then I realized can low immune systems cause hair loss? so turning to the internet and the answer is yes. So could this be what is causes Haylee to lose her hair?? its possible. Putting the facts together, she gets vincristine on a Tuesday following Tuesday her numbers are the lowest they have been in months, then that Friday she gets a fever and her ANC was 40 when a normal ANC is 2500 to 6000 and your ANC is your white blood cells (WBC), also called leukocytes, defend your body against infections. So it is very possible that i could have a answer to this and I feel a little at ease. I mean Im no doctor but it does make sense. Having cancer your body can do the most craziest things. I just wish I knew if its going to stop. Sorry ive been on this hair topic for a few days but I am just trying to get myself to take some stress off. I will bring this up at clinic but I am sure the answer i will get is yes, possible lol. Oh how I wish my mind will shut off! Guess that starbucks at 4 wasnt a good idea :) Anyways I was going to send her to school tomorrow but her hair is still falling out, its slowed down but Im not sure if thats because shes running low on hair or if its starting to stop. I just had a thought i her hair is still falling out and her hair loss is from her low immune system why would I send her to school without knowing her numbers. But I pray and have faith in the heavens above that this is just a dark tunnel and that he is slowly showing the light at the end. So hopefully Tuesday I hear good news, because Friday my little girl is turning 5!!! 

GERMS = BAD NEWS!

4 days of Haylee's hair thinning and I keep going back and forth on weather I should just shave it. People keep saying to leave it alone but easier said than done because im the one picking up chunks of hair all over my house. I HATE HAIR, I hate my own hair on things and now I have chunks of it lol Im going to talk to her doctor on tuesday and see how common this is because I cant find a thing online, any kind of information and its kinda frustrating. We do no another family whos daughter lost her hair a second time so maybe ill talk with them...So frustrating  :( Lately I have felt a lot of anxiety with Haylee and her health. Before these last 3 weeks I was pretty at ease with it and now I feel like anywhere we go its dangerous for her health. When she got her pictures taken there was a little girl there who was sick and I thought for sure I was going to pass out with worry that something is slowly creeping into her lol and nervous to do family events because people who dont know dont understand what its like to have a child that immune system is barely there. Its so different when your adult and have cancer so I hate Haylee being compared to adult cancer patients, yes they can be around people because they are adults they can make that choice Haylee is 4 and I have to make that choice if I want her around 1 or 20 people. I mean I cant go around and keep putting hand sanitizer  on people hands or Lysol people and their homes and I dont know whos all going to be there that might have been sick 2 days ago with a fever and are now around my child. Yeah ill make the choice to protect my child that has cancer. People dont know but if Haylee was to get extremely sick and get pneumonia she could die. Im usually hush hush on all of this but people who think they have a idea what its like because they googled it online think again. I was told by another family to stop worrying about hurting peoples feelings and if its something I dont like to hear about Haylee and her illness then to tell them how it is because we are living this and they arent... I think this is why I started this blog so that i can write down how I feel about all of this. Well off to clean Haylees room she has a fun surprise coming over later tonight!

Just hair??

There are always some kind of obstacle when your child has cancer. Something is always around the corner like hospital stays due to a fever over 100.4 when a normal child thats nothing to be too worried about and so much more . When your first told your child has cancer as a mother to a small little girl of course I ask will her hair fall out?? and like any other mother to a small little girl you do not want to hear yes, tho this is true weather boy or girl but with a boy I feel I would of handled it better because most boys already have short hair but Haylee had long, bouncing curly hair. Well a little over a month maybe less into treatment her hair started falling out, it was like a husky dog shedding its hair...it was EVERYWHERE. We finally decided to shave it and when Haylee walked threw the door for the first time with no hair it hit home, my little girl has cancer and its just not on the inside anymore its on the outside for the whole world to see. I was broken and of course know one understood but the families who were in my shoes. Anyways she was bold what felt like forever and all of a sudden her little bold head was getting some hair, peach fuzz to give you a visual lol well 1 year and almost 4 months later her hair had its curl back and it was just barely touching her shoulders.A few months ago I was beyond excited that I could walk into a store and buy hair ties for her and that I could finally have her wear all the bows we had made for her, its hard to understand but its the kind of excitement you get when your baby's hair is just long enough to put a piggy in lol Well on Feb. 5th Haylee came out asking for help to get her night gown off, while I was taking it off I noticed the back of her night gown was just covered in hair and when I ran my fingers threw her hair my heart just sunk, chunks of hair were falling out and I felt like we were in Memphis again reliving the early stages of her cancer. I turned to facebook for some comfort, which I dont know why i do when I try to post positive post about Haylee but I needed some kind words.This little girl has lived threw 16 months of living in a body thats getting treated for cancer thats 486 days of this. She misses school, misses being able to do fun things with friends, family events, big birthdays and so much more and here she is again with more bad news. So taking this to facebook I hear "shes beautiful with or without hair" "It's just hair, it will grow back" and some other comments that I wish i could just trade places with that person for 1 minute and be the one on the other end of the computer typing that comment. YES its just hair but its hair on a 4 year old not adult who understand that chemo is doing this, shes 4 and yes wise for her age she is still 4. Here I am again explaining to her that her hair is going to fall out again after being told that it wouldnt (by doctors, not me). Yes she is beautiful without hair, Im her mommy I no this and I love her with or without hair (not that these people are saying I dont) but please put yourself in my shoes. We were getting a somewhat normal life, know one was asking us "does she have cancer" we looked normal to a stranger and it was getting a little easier to go places without Haylee feeling eyes on her. Now not only do we have to battle this nightmare on the inside shes going to have to show it on the outside again. Its not easy hearing people say its just hair because no it isnt "JUST" hair its hair from a child who is battling cancer. This couldnt of came at the worse time because she was so excited to have hair for her 5th birthday because on her 4th she didnt and now I cant tell her weather she will or wont because I have no idea. 1 week my little girl will be 5 and I wish i could take this all away from her, I wish I could just have 1 hour of a normal life and not a cancer life. But I cant..........  Why because I have a child with cancer and no longer a normal life.

I HATE HER CANCER!

My husband and I have been married going on 7 years this year and we have never been on a honeymoon.... 11 years together and 7 married and i feel like we havent spent much time together. Well today i was looking up vacation spots for just Chad and I and getting all exciting when all of a sudden I realize we have a child with cancer. Hello why would i even get excited to think of traveling 20 plus hours and leaving Haylee behind. What if something goes wrong and we are not here to be with her. I have to say this is frustrating and very disappointing. I didnt ask for her to go through this but I never realized that her cancer would effect so much of our lives. I love my daughter, she my first love but I HATE HER CANCER!! Why does a 4 year old have to go through this, its not fair on her or anyone else.  3 years of our lives that have been put on hold and 3 years of her childhood taken away and placed with chemo, port lines, traveling, hospital stays,medicine, surgeries, nights and days of pain and so much more. She was 3 when she was diagnosed my poor baby girl. Hunter was only 1 his childhood was also altered with not understanding whats going on, why is my sissy losing her hair, why did we have to leave home and move into a hotel room for 2 months, where are my toys and bed, why is mommy leaving me every Tuesday and why is she getting so much more attention than me. We dont realize how much a illness can change not just the person with cancer or the illness but the loved ones around them. When she was diagnosed we were told normal is no more that we will never have a normal life. This is so true normal is def. no more in the life of the Short's and nor will be for a long long long long time........... *sigh*

Thoughts,,,,,, Stay at home mom!

Im a stay at home mom and have been for 1 year 3 months. This is something I always wanted. I always wanted to be home raising my kids, cleaning my house and being there at the door when my husband walked through the door just like my mom was for years. But how I became one isnt like any other "normal" stay at home mommy. Chad didnt get a job that allowed me to stay home, I remember my last day of work, i remember seeing Chad walk through the door with the kids. I remember walking our of the office in a daze trying to figure out what just happend. But what happend was that I would not be coming back to work, what would happen is the next day we would be pulled into a small room and told your daughter has cancer. That was the moment I became a stay at home mom and a caregiver. a year later I think to myself how the hell did i ever go to work 8 hours a day come home and clean,cook, and take care of everything?? no clue because now that im a stay at home mom i cant manage to do all the things i could before. Im exhausted everyday. I feel like i have no energy what so ever. All i want to do is lay on the couch and not get my day started till maybe 12 haha being a stay at home mom is the hardest job i have ever had!!!

Scares

When your a mom of a child who has cancer your health and well being gets put on the back burner. All your energy and worries goes to your child. I no when im sick the rules of staying away from her but if im not running a temperature i dont worry about the rest of me. Ive dealt with anxiety and depression for a long time and i usually just deal with it. I take my medicine and go on with my day. Then when bedtime comes and i go to rest im reminded of how ive been feeling all day and usually its s feeling of emptiness. I started about a month ago of stomach pain and feeling sick throughout the day. I finally had time to go see the doctor. Im telling her my symptoms and she does a exam and then says something is definitely going on so let get some bloodwork done. Well this was a Friday and i had to go 2 days before finding out the results. I had every possible diagnosis going through my head and cancer was definitely one that was flashing in front on my face. I cried all day Saturday, thinking i cant leave my family they need me but then i realized no i need them. Haylee has opened my eyes to life and Hunter has given me strength to keep going and to remember to laugh. Chad has given me love and has shown me how to love and i couldn't imagine my life without those 3. I lay on the couch thinking if i hear my doctor say i need to refer you to a oncologist i will break but i need to stay strong and lean on those who love me. Because i have taken care and have loved them that it would be my time to be taken care of and to see the love from them they would be there and that whatever my body is doing to me i will too fight bc im not going to leave this life before ive experienced all the things i want too and that definitely includes being a mother and watching my children grow up and watching them get married and start families or before i celebrate my 50th with the love of my life. So today i call for the results to hear everything came back normal. So thank you to my amazing angel who even after death is still watching over me my mommy! Also thank you to god who allows me to be here and who will continue to let me be here. 👏💜 so good news im okay for now.

DEX!!

Yesterday i watched Moms night out, wow eye opener. I feel just like that mom at times. I always feel like Im not good enough for me or my family. Im sure every mom feels this way at times, i mean im always cleaning, breaking up fights,cooking something at all times, breaking up more fights, cleaning more and yet in my eyes nothing looks clean or good enough to pass the mother in law test haha. Then on top of all the mommy/wife things i have to be a nurse and make sure Haylee is getting the medicines she needs on the right day and the dose is always changing so remembering even if i do wright it down i have to double check most of the time. Her chemo dose is 2.75ml try finding that on a syringe, i have to guess 90% of the time. Why cant they just make it easier on me and make it 3ml lol

I miss sleeping in, I am a person who LOVES sleep. I guess when you have kids you just kiss sleep goodbye. Every morning I hear this first thing and not in a soft voice ARE YOU GETTING UP? I NEED BREAKFAST. Can we say brat. Haylee is always hungry but never for what i make, which is fine but not cheap. Normal parents would say oh its a growth spurt but cancer mommies say no its DEX!! This awful steroid they take for a week once a month that turns them into a monster that does nothing but eat eat eat! She wants "Mexican"  cheese which is that cheese with the orange top, chicken patties, white cheese dip and so much more. Then you have poor Hunter who never wants to eat unless its on the run as in dinners on the table and his idea of eating is taking a bite running to play then coming back 2 minutes later then runs away, I try to explain to him that if he would just sit down to eat that would be faster than all the up and down he does but hes 2 and is answer is no or why mommy lol so we throw more food away then we ever eat which drives me crazy because its so wasteful and im not made of money like they think i am. Dont even get me started on the money thing lol Haylee is so spoiled, i mean crazy spoiled that shes asking for a bigger room. haha I'll save that struggle for another day........

Chapter Book?

Im the kind of person who gets stressed easily and it definitely shows. Unfortunately i suffer from canker sores and have for years, there will be times that i will have 4 or 5 within 2 weeks or i can go months without one. Well these past 2 weeks my stress level has reached the limit and ive had 4 canker sores and painful ones as of right now im officially down to 1 but in the worse place my bottom lip so eating has been a chore and drinking makes my eyes water and yes even talking hurts. I buy Haylee these small chapter books and we usually read a chapter a day and the last few nights i have really tried but 2 pages in my mouth is throbbing and end up stopping which Haylee gets upset and i feel bad but she eventually understands and nos its not forever. Well tonight i had mentioned to Haylee to ask Chad to read and the reaction from him broke my heart, he threw his hands up in the air and says not right now and well Haylee has been sleepy all day and she was ready for bed. I understand im the mom but why is it so hard to read a 5 page chapter to your daughter? He eventually did it but not because he wanted too but because he had too. I wish he could see how he acts. Like i said i wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom and here i am with a 5 and 3 year old and i no im not perfect and i lose my temper but im caring and loving to them and they know that if they want something im here. My husband is amazing husband, he provides for his family but he needs to provide more than just money he needs to provide affection...... The many things i hope to understand and work on.

Another Blog

Ive been trying to blog for years, you would think I would have more than enough to blog about....my life is no where near normal tho I wish it was at times. I had another blog but felt it didnt fit. My life isnt just about my daughter having cancer, its about me being a mommy. I was a mommy before cancer decided to touch down in our house. Ive been a mommy for almost 5 years or well from the moment I conceived depending on who you talk too. Feb. 13th time unsure I gave birth to a blue eyed little girl. I wanted nothing but to be a mommy, ever since I could remember that is all I wanted to be. Tho if you ask my parents they would say i wanted to be a mom who married a rich man who had maids lol. My mom was a wonderful mom so i think having her made me want to be amazing mom. I can still remember as a little girl running to her for everything, tho for a long time it was just my mom and I. Long story short like half of america my parents divorced when I was young and well as messed up as this is my mom took me and sent my two older brothers to live with my father, no words. But not that I would say it was a replacement but my mom married amazing man while i was still young and he became my dad. So this may sound sad but I can count on 1 hand how many times ive seen my brothers and dad in the 28 years ive been alive, yeah sad I know. But this was never by choice......Guess my parents thought this was the best thing for a family of 4 haha joke on them not so much. Wow just sitting here writing this I just realized my mom was 28 when they divorced and Im 28. I will not be going down that road regardless how hard the road gets between Chad and I and let me tell you im very surprised we haven't. I'll write about that a different day. Im basically just writing to put something on the page right now. So hopefully I keep up with this haha.....We shall see!